A Librarian Lady that Made Me Feel Better... Though I almost lost it For a bit.

I realized today that I went from being a God, to being a stranger. I went from being amazin' to bein’ alien. I went from creating memories to fading memories. Something even sadder than that, has to do with me not even knowing why. Before I came to these islands, before I even went to Ireland, I acknowledged to the world that I was leaving my past behind me from that point on. Since the time when I lost my mind my Junior year in high school at the beginning of the millennium, to the time I conquered my own insanity a decade later as a Junior in college, I said that I was putting everything in my rear-view mirror. I believed certain elements, people, places, and faces to be hind-sight to me. And as of now, I’ve realized that the declaration I made then, has became more true than I really wanted it to.

Earlier this day though, I was leaving the library after being up all night. I have been having a very hard time sleeping lately and I only got 2 hours of sleep in the last 2 or three days. As I was leaving the library after uploading the beginning of my video dairy here in UVI, a lady librarian passed by asking about “Friday Night.” And I pulled my earphones off and asked her what she meant to tell me. A lot of people here sense something very super-social of me and she asked what was up with Friday night. I asked her if anything was goin’ on and she said, "I don't know but I know you do."

: )

I told her, “Actually, I’m probably gonna be in the library tonight working on my internet book.”

It seems that I am the only student here who has literally utilized the privilege of the 24/7 library lab because I get nocturnal with media and music projex and well as keeping up with transcribing my life in this online journal. She asked me what I meant by ‘internet book’ and I told her I was writing about my life here in the Virgin Islands at this point, as well as all that is happening with me now that I’m in the Caribbean. She was kind of bewildered and voiced her curiosity so I explained it that I have been writing records my life because I almost died a little over 4 months ago and after becoming frightened about a lot of things, I have always had several books under my belt and they would have never been known if I passed on when I was so close to losing my life. So I explained how I let the internet let me take matters into my own hands. She was not aware of how I almost died so she asked me, I showed her my scar from that emergency surgery that gave me life again and she… She looked at me and asked how it happened and when it happened. I told her it was four months ago.

I was very delirious at this time, which meant that I lacked focus about a lot of things no one knows of.She seen these things and realized what I told her and how things became this way. And she instantly smiled at me and said one of the most encouraging things. This was about a half hour after I prayed for some kind of sign because of things my mind was spinning out of control over. She said, “Well Justin, the Lord Jesus Christ has…” I was like, “Oh I praise the LOOOORRD!” : ) And after I let my excitement subside about speaking that out, she continued, “The Lord has such a special plan for you. And you have a lot to live for.” She was so sincere and sweet in how she acknowledged this with me. There was even a twinkle in her Iris when she said this.

I was very tired. I damn near couldn't see straight. She caught me at a very soft-hearted, sensitive, calm, and conflicted time to say that kind of thing. My eyes started to become a little blurry because before this, I felt like my heart was being ripped apart about things that are of my own reasons. I was emotional and delirious and after I almost let tears out of my eyes after she said that I have a lot to live for, I told her, “I think I’m starting to find out what it all might be about as of now.”

She took my hand and squeezed it, I told her my full name, then I asked if she was colleagues with Rachelle Shells. She smiled and said, “Yes.” I told her that she knows me and a lot of my story as well. Then she thanked me for coming this far and being here of all places. I turned around and started to walk down to my residence to try and sleep. On the way, I turned my IPOD on random and the song, “Mr. Jones” by the Counting Crows came on. I cried because of how sad I was even though no one knew this at all.